On the Moments In-Between

I’m not sure how my personal words have landed, but in an age of the internet where everyone is selling something, hopefully these snippets into my process with grief can help you feel less alone, more connected, or if nothing else, more human. The role of the artist is simply to create the art, the rest is up to you, the audience.

Writing, along with visual art, are my clearest forms of expression. They give me an opportunity to process my feelings, and to explore the dusty corners of my psyche that I am often too afraid to look into. As an artist, and a psychotherapist, an energy healer, and human, these dusty corners often hold the keys to the next stage of growth in our lives. We can often uncover hidden messages, lost photographs, memories we tucked away, and hopefully, underneath the inconsolable sobs, a piece of the love left behind within.

I woke up today for the first time in three months, and the waterballoons that weighed my chest and stomach, waiting to be wrenched, weren’t there. The life I had put temporarily on pause because I needed my days to wring out what was left in me slowly started to feel like it was mine again. The countless podcasts I listened to on grief, the friends that have stood by my side making sure I was okay, but ultimately, the little snippets I would learn about how to manage grief and attachment wounds from a new perspective laid in.

I stopped obsessively reading tarot or opening the akashic records to check in on my loved ones that were no longer with me. (Yes, even having these gifts does not shield me from the anxiety of loss. In fact, I question how most people raw-dog life because I have too many tools to connect with those in other planes, or to the energetics of one’s psyche).

I had enough energy to go to yoga, go on a short hike, go to therapy, see clients, and slowly but surely, the grips of grief slowly started to release.

The waves still come, the flashbacks of the future planned, of the memories cut short, and the compounded waves of grief from endless death, loss, and relationship endings, and although I am still in the waves, here are a few things I have learned:

1. Resolving complicated grief starts with witnessing, and ends with oxytocin— whether from a relationship or solo using affirmations and kinder self-talk. Sometimes when there is trauma involved, or other more serious mentall illness, it can be difficult to get a handle of your thoughts or feel any agency in them. This is when it is imperative to force yourself. Can’t get out of bed? Force yourself to go on a walk. Can’t stop crying? Let yourself. Can’t eat? Start small.

2. Forgiveness starts with a cognitive decision— an intention— but it ends with the emotional decision.
This is partially in your control, and partially not. Starting with making the decision to say enough is enough, to heal, to finish, or to simply decide to choose yourself. That part is your choice, when you are ready for it, but the emotional processing takes it’s own time. The emotional decision is a witnessing, it ends when you suddenly notice the wells in your heart aren’t so heavy anymore, when the tears don’t come as much any more, but that is on it’s own time. Your intention is the containment, your witnessing allows the expression. Whether in relationships with others or ourselves, we need both.

3. Let yourself grieve as you need.
If you can, put off tough decisions, scale back at work, slow down your relationships unless it is creating support or oxytocin for you. Let yourself be in your grief, and don’t force yourself to get over it, move on, or do anything with your life until you feel ready. I know I just told you to force yourself, but there is a time and a place. If you have enough agency to force yourself to go on a walk, do it, because it is going to help you feel better, even if you cry the whole time.

4. Before you diagnose yourself, make sure you aren’t surrounded by assholes.
I’m not saying your ex is an asshole, and I don’t think it’s helpful to villainize or honestly get into any story unless it is for your own self development. But before you diagnose yourself, if you tend towards self blame and your grief has your self-esteem low and telling you that you are not lovable, then just pause. Sometimes we have our own issues, and that’s important to reflect on post-relationship, but it is also important to look at how the dynamic may have affected your mental health before giving yourself a diagnosis. If you are grieving death, and perhaps unsupported, again, before you start allowing those negative thoughts to compound and define you, check and see if you have a real support system and what it would take to create one.

5. Get angry.
It is extremely important to get angry, it is pointing you to your self worth. This is an important part of the grieving process, you are allowed to feel angry that they died, they left, they xyz. That anger is your you-ness, it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense to you, you don’t need to sugarcoat the grieving process. This anger transforms the energy of grief, it is when you say “NO, enough is enough,” and you mean it. Because that little voice is the voice that is also telling you “you deserve better.” It is also the voice that fights for life, especially when we lose a loved one sooner than we hoped, whether it is the end of the relationship or a death, the ending often feels the same . This person that you’ve loved and known will no longer be known to you in this way anymore, and not only is this sad, but it is a cause for anger, the injustice of life itself if you must.

Outside of the stages of grief, I hope these words land with you well, and if you are struggling and seeking support, you can find my coaching and psychotherapeutic services on my website, as well as mediumship readings, astrology readings, and energy healing sessions. You don’t need to do this alone, and as Ram Dass says, we are all walking each other home.